One-liners

Since I have nothing new to post about, here is some borrowed entertainment. Some of the one-liners are old-timers, and yet never fail to make you grin. Enjoy!

Word play:
1) I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
2) Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Insults:
1) Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

General musings:
1) If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
2) How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?
3) Think about this...no one ever says "it's only a game" when their team is winning.
4) A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Feel-good:
1) Don't frown. You never know who is falling in Iove with your smile.

Hilarious:
1) Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
2) If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
3) A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.
4) I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
5) Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Life:
1) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive anyway!
2) I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
3) Of all the thirty-six alternatives, running away is best.

General lot:
1) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
2) Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
3) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!